This is Me.

Today this blog is unlike any other I have written. This one is more for me than anyone else, but writing brings accountability and healing. I am almost 38 years old and I have come to the realization that I have wasted so much of my time in life consumed by fear. It has ruled my entire life for so long that I know I have missed out on some great things. Today I want that to change. I do not want fear to dictate who I am anymore.

I can remember as a young girl, around the age of 9 I think, watching a scary movie about the end times. I was so consumed with fear that I kept running to the bathroom to escape the movie, but it was playing on the loudspeakers in the bathroom. I could not eat that night and I just wanted to escape, but there was no where to escape to. That movie changed me. I went from being this innocent child in love with Jesus to fearing God and how He was going to destroy the earth. I changed that day and today I am just realizing how much.

To this day I still get the chills when I think of the end of the world. It can still cause me to have an anxiety attack. I am good at hiding it. I run to the bathroom, like I did when I was little and pretend I am sick or just hide out til it passes. I know that it has caused me to keep God at arms length and I have not grown as much as I could have. I don't want that anymore. He has called me into ministry and I need to be close to Him. I need to hear His voice and feel His full presence. Fear has to leave!

Growing up, I always worried about what other people thought of me. I didn't want anyone to not like me. It bothered me to the point where I would lie or not be myself just to have the approval of my peers. I hid who I was from my family, friends, and even myself. I was afraid to admit I liked country music because it brought on ridicule. I was afraid to admit I was a believer because my friends had strong opinions on what a "christian" was, and it was not good. I hid for so long that I lost myself.

I have been married for over 18 years now and for 18 years the fear of losing my husband has consumed me. The first 5-6 years of my marriage I spent accusing my husband of cheating on me every time he left the house. I was constantly afraid of becoming the next statistic of a failed marriage. I was heavily overweight and depressed and could not pull myself out. I started going back to church and I got better. I learned not to accuse Leo every time he walked through the door. Though, the fear of losing him still lingered. What if he woke up one day and realized what I was really like? What if he decided I wasn't worth it anymore? I had my ups and downs with weight and depression. I have wasted so many of our years together consumed by fear, and I have caused my husband more frustration and pain than I ever should have. It amazes me that he is still here. He still loves me and still wants to be with me. So for him, I am finally admitting my fear and putting it out there so that I can get rid of it once and for all.

I have been so afraid that I can't lose the rest of the weight I want that I jinx myself. Instead of being positive about losing the weight, I get wrapped up in what is not happening that I get defeated. And if any of you struggle with losing weight, feeling defeated hampers any weight loss. I make bad decisions because I already feel I failed so what's one more bad decision. Fear is a powerful thing. It prevents us (me) from having success in any area of life.

There is power in acknowledging we aren't who we appear to be. There is power in being real. By admitting it out loud, I can now clearly see the damage I have caused and see the need for change. I don't want to spend another day trapped in the fear of living life. I have lost so many years already, I don't want to lose any more. I hope that you all will not think less of me, but I cannot let my fear of approval keep me from speaking up.

I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of our lives together enjoying the time we have. I love my boys and want to do all I can to see that they develop into strong men and become all they were created to be. I love my friends and family and spending time with them. I will be me from now on when I am with them. I will lose the weight I need to and will not be afraid of failure anymore. I love my Lord, and want to fully serve Him the rest of my days. This is who I am and I am no longer afraid to be me.

I am. The Problem and the Solution.

I am. I never thought those two small words would have such an impact on me. But now hearing them makes me stop and think about everything I say, and do. I was listening to the radio on the way home from work and the DJ was sharing that he read about a question posed to people in the 1920’s. They were asked, “what is wrong with the world today”. One man wrote “I am” and sent it in. At the moment I cannot remember this man’s name but I will never forget how he answered that question.

I realized that it still rings true today. Do you remember as a child playing with your friends when you would point to your friend when asked who was in the wrong? Then the teacher or parent watching would always say, “Be careful, when you point at someone you have 4 fingers pointing back at you.” If we stop and think, this simple saying and the two words “I am” could change lives.

Instead of looking for who to blame problems on we could open our eyes and see that we are part of the problem. I have a very bad habit of opening my mouth and saying the first thing that comes out of it. And admittedly, a lot of the times it is unfiltered. I haven’t processed the whole thought yet, and so what comes out is wrong. I can make a judgment statement without even meaning to because of my need to say something. This can be dangerous, because I have a teenage son at home listening to what I am saying. He is listening to me. Luckily, I have a very sweet husband who will point out to me what I just said. This helps me decide if this is what I really want to say or if I need to correct it.

I think maybe we can all take our freedom of speech too far. If what we are saying hurts someone do we really need to say it? If we are opening our mouths and spreading hate wouldn't it be best to keep it to ourselves? The Bible has a lot to say about taming the tongue. In James 3 there are many descriptions on just how hard it is to control. James illustrates through word pictures that though the tongue is small it is powerful. With your tongue you can bless and you can curse. Be a blessing. We are suppose to love not hate.

And as I ponder these two words I also believe that they hold the answer to the problems of the world. If I am the problem then I Am is the Solution. God told Moses in Exodus, “I Am”. In the New Testament, Jesus speaks again those same words. “I Am”. God our Father in Heaven is the answer. He is the Healer, Redeemer, and ultimate Judge.

As the arms of Christ we can bring more hope and less despair, more love and less hate, more truth and less lies. I encourage you to examine your own heart today. See where you are the problem. Instead of pointing out where everyone else is the problem turn all those fingers back on you. I am.

Lift Up Your Voice

Why is it we have no problem giving our opinions on politics? When asked, or even when not asked, we share our thoughts on what we believe is right or wrong. We don't hesitate to share what is on our mind. But when it is really important we hide our faces and hope that no one sees that we are not speaking. Recently at our church we hosted a domestic violence community discussion night. I learned that for too long silence has been allowing the tragedy of domestic violence to go on.

Many times there are warning signs right in front of us. There are women, children, and men in trouble and sadly we only make time when something has happened. We often times end up offering condolences for a life taken before it should have been. We raise money to help the children left behind. What if we could do something before tragedy strikes?

We can. You and I can do what we are called to do and be the voice for those who cannot speak. We can invest our time in getting to know our neighbors. If we see something that looks suspicious, instead of making judgments or looking the other way because we feel it doesn't involve us, we can offer our ears to listen. We can be the shoulder to cry on. We can be the friend that offers to go with someone to get counseling.

It is not our job to fix the person or their problem. You aren't called to solve the issue, or even to give your opinion. You are called to love. You are called to be there for your family, friend, neighbor, or whoever God has put in your life. And I believe God has given us many talented, and knowledgeable people to help in these situations. There are people who have devoted their studies and lives to knowing how to help. One of the biggest ways you and I can help is to get to know the people at our local shelters.

Technology today gives us no excuse for saying, “I don't know how to help.” Just a few minutes of research can lead you to pages of information on the internet that you can share. Donate your time, money, and resources to a local shelter that assists families affected by domestic violence. There are so many jobs we can do. Help sort donations, file paperwork, use the talents we have been given to teach a class. The ways you and I can help are endless.

I urge you today, to look into your hearts and find the love for others. Be the voice for those who cannot speak. Help the scared and frightened find the empowerment they need. Be the hope for the hopeless. Love the unloved. Together you and I can help to win the fight against domestic violence.

Women, Be Bold!

So, this blog may not appeal to you if you are not a woman, but I hope that you will share it with a special lady who needs encouragement to get out there and be BOLD! I am often saddened and frustrated to hear that a woman does not feel she can do what God is calling her to do because of her gender. It is surprising that even today there are people trying to stifle the call of God in a woman’s life.

Nothing frustrates me more than when I hear someone quote the one verse in the Bible (in Timothy) that says a woman is not suppose to be in leadership. People don’t take time to read the entire chapter of Timothy or even the entire Bible. They choose verses that fit their belief system and use it out of context.

Ladies listen up. There are so many powerful women in the Bible. You can find a prophetess in Judges 4 named Deborah. She was appointed a judge because of her strong faith and love for the Lord. People went to her because they trusted her. Priscilla in the New Testament was a hard worker for our Lord. She taught and ministered to people all around her on daily basis.

When God calls you to a ministry, nothing should get in your way. When He touches your heart and gives you the go ahead, do not let anyone stop you. Do not believe the lies thrown at you anymore.

I have a question for those of you who say women can’t be in leadership. Why do you not also say women have to cover their heads and be silent in church as is says in Corinthians? Why do you get to decide which verse is for today and which is history? What are you so afraid of?

God uses who He wants to use, we have no authority to dictate otherwise. Do you want to be responsible for stopping God? Do you want to face Him on Judgment day and try and explain why you thought you knew better than He? I don't. I choose to follow His leading and be obedient to who He has called.

We need to be more concerned with what is being taught. Our first question should be “does it come from the Word of God?” We should not be worried if it is spoken by a man or woman. We need to study our entire Bible and understand the history behind what Paul was saying. We need to learn what behaviors were occurring that needed to be corrected at the time.

A woman can be submissive and obedient to her calling at the same time. And God will use and empower her when He wants to. Just read the Word for yourself and see it in action. Now, women I encourage and implore you, to get out there and BE BOLD!

God Doesn't Need Us, He Wants Us.

Sometimes I believe we get so caught up in believing that God needs us to do something for Him, that we fail to recognize who God is. We can get into real danger of feeling bigger than we are, and believing that we are more important than we are. We need to stop and make sure that God is in His proper place before we begin anything He has called us to.

God is all powerful, omnipotent, creator of the heavens and earth. He is everywhere and no building can contain Him. (Psalm 104, Psalm 96, Isaiah 66:1-2) He spoke through a burning bush to Moses, He flooded the earth, He gave up His own Son to save us. That is who He is.

We tend to tell ourselves that God needs us to do His work. I’m not sure that “need” is the word God would use. He desires us to do His work. He wants us to receive the blessings from serving Him. He desires to reward us. But, no He doesn’t need us.

When we start believing God needs us, we also begin to elevate ourselves higher than we ought. We make ourselves feel self-important. We start to feel worthy to be recognized. “See what God had me do.” “Oh, I must be important to Him.” WRONG! He used a donkey to talk in Numbers 22:28. He doesn’t need you or me.

If we want to work for God, we need to humble ourselves and put ourselves in the right place. We are sinners, prone to make mistakes on a daily basis. If it wasn’t for His grace and mercy we would be nothing.

We are weak. Some of us have fears that consume us. If I see a mouse, it sends to me running to the highest point and screaming at the top of my lungs. Recently a grasshopper jumped at me outside and you would have thought I was being attacked by a bear. I am a lot bigger than these things, yet I am reduced to a shrieking woman. Why? I am human. Simple but true.

Fears are in all of us, but not God. He reduces cities to dust. He has killed people for lying to His Holy Spirit. He has no fear. He can use us and give us strength when we submit to Him. When we admit who we truly are, we can become powerful in Him.
So examine your heart. Realistically face who you are. Recognize who God is. You will be able to do so much more for Him, when you partner with Him. God doesn’t need us, He wants us.

Consistency Counts

When things go bad for us, who is the first person we blame? When our world falls apart where do we turn for help? Honestly, if I answered these questions a few months ago I would have to say I blamed God for the bad things in my life and I turned to friends for help. Now some of the friends I turned to were God fearing women and so they had some wise advice; but my point here is that I should have gone to God first. I have many Bibles in my house filled with the answers to life’s questions. I had access to the best Counselor 24/7. And I didn’t’ utilize Him.

Our faith cannot be based on how things are going in our life. We cannot only praise God when things are going our way. Psalms 34:1 says “I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

We cannot place the blame on Him when things start to fall apart. We need to look to ourselves first. We are humans and our human nature is to gratify ourselves. We do things to make ourselves happy. Sometimes we don’t always make the best choices. Now, sometimes it is others that cause us pain. Still it is that person that hurt us, not God. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. We cannot expect to go through life and not get hurt.

If we want a consistent faith we need to lead a life consistently in Jesus. We cannot follow only the rules we like. Yes, following Jesus has rules. Have you taken a look at Exodus lately? There are ten very important rules in Exodus 20. We have a code to live by. Have you heard this before; love others as yourself? That didn’t’ come from some self-help author. It is straight out of the Bible, too. Mark 12:30-31, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength. This is the first commandment. And the second like it, is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

If we only take the time to read it we can save ourselves a lot of pain. Being a true believer is so much more than saying the sinner’s prayer. You have to live your life day after day for Jesus and follow His perfect model. Consistency counts!

No more excuses, GO!

Often times as a believer we can wrestle with the never-ending question of “what am I called to do?” We read books written by famous authors; attend seminars hoping to glean the answer. We wait with our breaths held for the words to come. And you know what? They never do. At least they don’t come from these sources. Why is it when we have questions for God that He is the last person we go to? Why do we wait and wait for someone to tell us what to do? I cannot answer for you, but I know that for myself I have felt inadequate to search the Bible myself and find the answers. Or let’s be honest, we get a little lazy and want someone else to do the work and then just tell us what to do.

I have been taking a course on Evangelism and it has been so eye-opening. In it I am realizing the answer has been right in front of me all along. Take a look at Matthew 28:19 “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations. And again in Acts 1:8 “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Many other times Jesus tells us to go, preach the good news to all creation. It is repeated over and over so it must be important. Why did I never see it before? Why did I not see that as my calling? Partly I think its nerves, lack of confidence, and fear.

There is one more key piece of information that He tells us in these verses. We need to wait to be filled with the Holy Spirit (Luke 24:49) and then He will go before us, and He will give us the words to say. He will do the convicting and convincing. Our part is much simpler. We just need to open our mouths and share what God has done for us. Amazing isn’t it? We try to make it so much more than what it really is. If we would just go to our Father, read His word, then all these truths will be revealed to us. Study the gospels, study Acts, and commit today to seek the filling of the Holy Spirit and then GO!