This is Me.

Today this blog is unlike any other I have written. This one is more for me than anyone else, but writing brings accountability and healing. I am almost 38 years old and I have come to the realization that I have wasted so much of my time in life consumed by fear. It has ruled my entire life for so long that I know I have missed out on some great things. Today I want that to change. I do not want fear to dictate who I am anymore.

I can remember as a young girl, around the age of 9 I think, watching a scary movie about the end times. I was so consumed with fear that I kept running to the bathroom to escape the movie, but it was playing on the loudspeakers in the bathroom. I could not eat that night and I just wanted to escape, but there was no where to escape to. That movie changed me. I went from being this innocent child in love with Jesus to fearing God and how He was going to destroy the earth. I changed that day and today I am just realizing how much.

To this day I still get the chills when I think of the end of the world. It can still cause me to have an anxiety attack. I am good at hiding it. I run to the bathroom, like I did when I was little and pretend I am sick or just hide out til it passes. I know that it has caused me to keep God at arms length and I have not grown as much as I could have. I don't want that anymore. He has called me into ministry and I need to be close to Him. I need to hear His voice and feel His full presence. Fear has to leave!

Growing up, I always worried about what other people thought of me. I didn't want anyone to not like me. It bothered me to the point where I would lie or not be myself just to have the approval of my peers. I hid who I was from my family, friends, and even myself. I was afraid to admit I liked country music because it brought on ridicule. I was afraid to admit I was a believer because my friends had strong opinions on what a "christian" was, and it was not good. I hid for so long that I lost myself.

I have been married for over 18 years now and for 18 years the fear of losing my husband has consumed me. The first 5-6 years of my marriage I spent accusing my husband of cheating on me every time he left the house. I was constantly afraid of becoming the next statistic of a failed marriage. I was heavily overweight and depressed and could not pull myself out. I started going back to church and I got better. I learned not to accuse Leo every time he walked through the door. Though, the fear of losing him still lingered. What if he woke up one day and realized what I was really like? What if he decided I wasn't worth it anymore? I had my ups and downs with weight and depression. I have wasted so many of our years together consumed by fear, and I have caused my husband more frustration and pain than I ever should have. It amazes me that he is still here. He still loves me and still wants to be with me. So for him, I am finally admitting my fear and putting it out there so that I can get rid of it once and for all.

I have been so afraid that I can't lose the rest of the weight I want that I jinx myself. Instead of being positive about losing the weight, I get wrapped up in what is not happening that I get defeated. And if any of you struggle with losing weight, feeling defeated hampers any weight loss. I make bad decisions because I already feel I failed so what's one more bad decision. Fear is a powerful thing. It prevents us (me) from having success in any area of life.

There is power in acknowledging we aren't who we appear to be. There is power in being real. By admitting it out loud, I can now clearly see the damage I have caused and see the need for change. I don't want to spend another day trapped in the fear of living life. I have lost so many years already, I don't want to lose any more. I hope that you all will not think less of me, but I cannot let my fear of approval keep me from speaking up.

I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of our lives together enjoying the time we have. I love my boys and want to do all I can to see that they develop into strong men and become all they were created to be. I love my friends and family and spending time with them. I will be me from now on when I am with them. I will lose the weight I need to and will not be afraid of failure anymore. I love my Lord, and want to fully serve Him the rest of my days. This is who I am and I am no longer afraid to be me.

I am. The Problem and the Solution.

I am. I never thought those two small words would have such an impact on me. But now hearing them makes me stop and think about everything I say, and do. I was listening to the radio on the way home from work and the DJ was sharing that he read about a question posed to people in the 1920’s. They were asked, “what is wrong with the world today”. One man wrote “I am” and sent it in. At the moment I cannot remember this man’s name but I will never forget how he answered that question.

I realized that it still rings true today. Do you remember as a child playing with your friends when you would point to your friend when asked who was in the wrong? Then the teacher or parent watching would always say, “Be careful, when you point at someone you have 4 fingers pointing back at you.” If we stop and think, this simple saying and the two words “I am” could change lives.

Instead of looking for who to blame problems on we could open our eyes and see that we are part of the problem. I have a very bad habit of opening my mouth and saying the first thing that comes out of it. And admittedly, a lot of the times it is unfiltered. I haven’t processed the whole thought yet, and so what comes out is wrong. I can make a judgment statement without even meaning to because of my need to say something. This can be dangerous, because I have a teenage son at home listening to what I am saying. He is listening to me. Luckily, I have a very sweet husband who will point out to me what I just said. This helps me decide if this is what I really want to say or if I need to correct it.

I think maybe we can all take our freedom of speech too far. If what we are saying hurts someone do we really need to say it? If we are opening our mouths and spreading hate wouldn't it be best to keep it to ourselves? The Bible has a lot to say about taming the tongue. In James 3 there are many descriptions on just how hard it is to control. James illustrates through word pictures that though the tongue is small it is powerful. With your tongue you can bless and you can curse. Be a blessing. We are suppose to love not hate.

And as I ponder these two words I also believe that they hold the answer to the problems of the world. If I am the problem then I Am is the Solution. God told Moses in Exodus, “I Am”. In the New Testament, Jesus speaks again those same words. “I Am”. God our Father in Heaven is the answer. He is the Healer, Redeemer, and ultimate Judge.

As the arms of Christ we can bring more hope and less despair, more love and less hate, more truth and less lies. I encourage you to examine your own heart today. See where you are the problem. Instead of pointing out where everyone else is the problem turn all those fingers back on you. I am.