This is Me.

Today this blog is unlike any other I have written. This one is more for me than anyone else, but writing brings accountability and healing. I am almost 38 years old and I have come to the realization that I have wasted so much of my time in life consumed by fear. It has ruled my entire life for so long that I know I have missed out on some great things. Today I want that to change. I do not want fear to dictate who I am anymore.

I can remember as a young girl, around the age of 9 I think, watching a scary movie about the end times. I was so consumed with fear that I kept running to the bathroom to escape the movie, but it was playing on the loudspeakers in the bathroom. I could not eat that night and I just wanted to escape, but there was no where to escape to. That movie changed me. I went from being this innocent child in love with Jesus to fearing God and how He was going to destroy the earth. I changed that day and today I am just realizing how much.

To this day I still get the chills when I think of the end of the world. It can still cause me to have an anxiety attack. I am good at hiding it. I run to the bathroom, like I did when I was little and pretend I am sick or just hide out til it passes. I know that it has caused me to keep God at arms length and I have not grown as much as I could have. I don't want that anymore. He has called me into ministry and I need to be close to Him. I need to hear His voice and feel His full presence. Fear has to leave!

Growing up, I always worried about what other people thought of me. I didn't want anyone to not like me. It bothered me to the point where I would lie or not be myself just to have the approval of my peers. I hid who I was from my family, friends, and even myself. I was afraid to admit I liked country music because it brought on ridicule. I was afraid to admit I was a believer because my friends had strong opinions on what a "christian" was, and it was not good. I hid for so long that I lost myself.

I have been married for over 18 years now and for 18 years the fear of losing my husband has consumed me. The first 5-6 years of my marriage I spent accusing my husband of cheating on me every time he left the house. I was constantly afraid of becoming the next statistic of a failed marriage. I was heavily overweight and depressed and could not pull myself out. I started going back to church and I got better. I learned not to accuse Leo every time he walked through the door. Though, the fear of losing him still lingered. What if he woke up one day and realized what I was really like? What if he decided I wasn't worth it anymore? I had my ups and downs with weight and depression. I have wasted so many of our years together consumed by fear, and I have caused my husband more frustration and pain than I ever should have. It amazes me that he is still here. He still loves me and still wants to be with me. So for him, I am finally admitting my fear and putting it out there so that I can get rid of it once and for all.

I have been so afraid that I can't lose the rest of the weight I want that I jinx myself. Instead of being positive about losing the weight, I get wrapped up in what is not happening that I get defeated. And if any of you struggle with losing weight, feeling defeated hampers any weight loss. I make bad decisions because I already feel I failed so what's one more bad decision. Fear is a powerful thing. It prevents us (me) from having success in any area of life.

There is power in acknowledging we aren't who we appear to be. There is power in being real. By admitting it out loud, I can now clearly see the damage I have caused and see the need for change. I don't want to spend another day trapped in the fear of living life. I have lost so many years already, I don't want to lose any more. I hope that you all will not think less of me, but I cannot let my fear of approval keep me from speaking up.

I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of our lives together enjoying the time we have. I love my boys and want to do all I can to see that they develop into strong men and become all they were created to be. I love my friends and family and spending time with them. I will be me from now on when I am with them. I will lose the weight I need to and will not be afraid of failure anymore. I love my Lord, and want to fully serve Him the rest of my days. This is who I am and I am no longer afraid to be me.